For many years, I unconsciously believed healing meant facing pain

Shadows and pains in many flavours

.

The pain of rejection.

The pain of not feeling good enough.

The pain of lack.

Lack was one of my most familiar states of being.

It was the lens through which I experienced much of life. The place where I felt unseen, unsupported and disconnected from my own power.

Ironically, it was also familiar. And what is familiar often feels safe, even when it hurts.

As I began working through old wounds and traumas, I was unconscious of the assumption that healing would simply mean experiencing less pain.

But something unexpected happened.

As some of the heavier layers started to clear, I discovered the triggers of entirely different fears.

The fear of success.

The fear of trust.

The fear of support.

The fear of feeling safe.

I realized that it was these very things I had been trying to create.

Like many others, I was consciously asking for abundance while unconsciously organizing my life around fear.

No wonder I was only receiving fragments of what I was trying to create.

My mind wanted abundance, but my system did not yet feel safe receiving it.

Every time life offered me a glimpse of these things, something inside me tightened.

I wasn’t aware of it at first.

It only became visible when I slowed down enough to sit with what I was feeling beneath the surface. 

Then I could feel the resistance.

Not because these things were wrong, but because they were unfamiliar.

And the nervous system will often choose the familiar over the beneficial.

Even when the familiar is struggle.

Even when the familiar is lack.

Even when the familiar is carrying everything alone.

We know who we are there.

If we have spent years living in struggle, uncertainty or lack, the nervous system learns to navigate those landscapes. It becomes our normal.

Receiving can feel far more vulnerable than striving.

Being supported can feel more uncomfortable than carrying everything alone.

Success can feel more frightening than failure if we don’t yet feel safe being seen.

Looking back, I can also see another layer.

I had become so used to looking for the wound to heal that it had become a state of being.

For years, healing had been my path.

Every trigger contained a lesson and wisdom.

Every shadow held a gift.

Every uncomfortable feeling pointed towards something that wanted attention.

And that work was deeply valuable.

But somewhere along the way I had become very skilled at looking for what needed healing. Looking back, I sometimes wonder if it was lack disguised as healing.

So skilled, in fact, that I didn’t immediately recognize what was happening when life began offering me something different.

Joy.

Ease.

Support.

There was simply something new to be familiar with – allowing. 

Healing is not only about learning to sit with pain.

Sometimes healing is learning to sit with joy and consciously choose to be joyful, even when life feels ordinary.

To stay present when life becomes easier.

To receive and really take time to feel the gift of receiving without immediately looking for how to return the favour or what the catch is.

To trust in support without waiting for something to go wrong or going into “I’ll fix it myself” mode.

To allow goodness without questioning whether we deserve it.

I still find layers within myself that are learning this.

Layers that are learning that abundance is safe.

That support is safe.

That trust is safe.

That joy is safe.

And perhaps that is part of the journey.

Not only healing what hurts. But healing our relationship with what is good.